Blog

It's fall here on earth and time to get the house ready for winter. For some of us the house needs to be ready for cold,and for others maybe only for cool-er or wetter ... Fortunately for us, it is spring on Bizarro World.You remember Bizarro World? From the Superman comics? On Bizarro World,the cubed planet Htrae (Earth backwards), everything is opposite or backwards of what it would be on earth. The people are grossly ugly, they try to break things, lose money in investments, wash with dry dirt - well you get it. And everything they do is considered the right thing to do.

Since it is spring, Bizarro Worlders are trying disrepair their houses in time for the cold weather. I publish their list, perhaps forthe first time in history:

• CO Monitor - break the test button so it can never be pushed.
• Pests - why bother? Let them run free.
• Moss on the roof - perfect! Leave it alone.
• Gutters and downspouts - keep them clogged!
• Boilers - an unsafe safety-relief valve not tested is the best relief valve.
• Furnace - never, ever oil anything.
• What's an HVAC filter? Don't even check for one.
• Caulk nothing, leave gaps, don't eliminate mold or muck.
• Smoke detector - why have them anyway? But break that button too.
• TPR valves - testing is always a bad thing.
• Hose bib - leave on full power at the indoor valve so it freezes.
• Water heater - it is illegal to hook up a hose and drain a little out.
• Toilet - hopefully it rocks on the floor so badly it can't be tightened.
• Septic system - it should be years and years of never pumping it out.
• Private water system - never add pressure to the blue tank.
• Smoke detector battery - remove now! Don't replace!
• Foundation - slope toward the house and don't extend downspouts.
• Wood-burning chimneys - let the creosote build. And build.
• Kitchen inspection - grease should get thick on everything.
• Refrigerator - sweep dirt under it and never vacuum the coils.
• Garage door - should it work at all? Never oil anything.
• Disposal - bones clean it really well. Baking soda and vinegar don't.
• Fire extinguisher - don't bother checking the pressure dial!
• GFI's - those buttons should be stuck and don't do anything anyway.

Well, what do you think of the list? Enjoy! Hopefully it helps. Read it carefully! Keep it in your pocket and pull it out as you walk around the house. It should come in handy. And, as to lists, we all use them and we all need them. And remember, old Preservation Contractors and home inspectors never die. The just grow listless...